The fabulous thing about having friends is their unswerving support at your hour of need, coupled with the fact that your friendship is never affected when you choose to completely ignore their well-meaning advice and head off in the direction they're telling you to avoid.
I have one particular friend (whom I won't name for fear of embarrassing her) who I am confident would weather any storm with me. She is also not afraid of imparting advice that cuts you to the bone, particularly in the area of relationships, but on my refusal to act on anything she says, she will simply respond with "as long as you're happy, I'm happy". Friends like that are rare; they shouldn't be, but they are.
The same friend recently accompanied me through a very worrying time during an illness which was rather spectacularly misdiagnosed by my GP. The supposed condition would have meant a lifetime of relapses, and the symptoms were quite miserable. She regularly called to support me and let me know about some more information she had uncovered on the internet. Unwittingly she is the best friend a girl could have; quick to rush to your side when you need her and just as quick to pick you up, clean your cuts and grazes and give you a hug even when you think you don't need her.
Of course, there comes a time when as a friend, you have to play this role yourself. And this happened five days ago in my case, not with the friend I've mentioned but for Jen who called me in a state of upset and confusion following some rather unpleasant discoveries at her boyfriends' house.
Jen has been seeing him for around six months now; it's been an up-and-down relationship but she is besotted with him. As her friends we all secretly despise him; he is guilty of the worst possible social crime, arrogant without a valid reason.
So, my phone rings at around 8pm and it's Jen.
"I stayed at Ben's last night and I know he had a woman there the night before"
Why?
"Telltale signs. Nothing obvious, just things like two champagne glasses in the dishwasher. He hates champagne."
I guess a logic-led person would say this was all conjecture, but I knew exactly what she meant because a similar thing happened to me around thirteen years ago and I chose to ignore it.
No matter how well men clear away the evidence, what they don't realise is that they cannot clear away the stench of the fact that it happened, and that is what gives them away.
"What do I do? I told him I thought someone had been there, but he says I'm wrong, it was a work colleague"
"OK, as I see it you have three choices here.
Firstly, you walk away. There will always be the doubt in your mind that, even if he admits it, and you patch it up, he could do it again. So walking will shield you from that"
"I don't want to walk away"
"I suspected you would say that. Secondly, you tell him you know (and add that his protestations are pathetic so he should just shut up). Ask him on what basis did he think it was OK to do this. He'll probably say he doesn't know why he did it (which he may not). Tell him to sort this out and get rid of her or else you are out of there."
"Hmmmm. OK..."
"Thirdly, accept the fact that he has now put your relationship onto a new footing. You start seeing other guys; sleep with them if you feel like it. You don't need to discuss it with him because he didn't consult you, did he?"
"What would you do if you were me?"
"If it happened to me in my current relationship, the second or the third, depending on if he approached me to discuss it. But you have to act, otherwise you will tell yourself you need firmer evidence so you'll start looking for it, driving past his house at midnight, for example. You will definitely find it and then your heart will be smashed to pieces. Act now"
Jen rang off shortly after and said she was going to consider the options. I have no idea yet what she's decided as she's not answering her phone.
It got me wondering why people do this to each other in relationships, especially relatively new ones? Why did he bother to start something with Jen when he knew she wanted commitment? There are plenty of women out there (according to the internet) who appear to want no-strings sex, so why bother going through the motions?
This type of episode makes my heart very heavy; I certainly feel like running a key down his car because I know Jen won't. She is so stoically defensive of him that it makes you want to cry.
It's one of life's ponderables that will never be fully answered, I have no doubt. One thing I am sure of is that he will feel much worse about this than Jen does in the final analysis.
Good. I hope he chokes on it. That's what friends are for.
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46 comments:
This makes me feel sick to the core. My husband comes home frequently stinking of perfume. We argue, he cries and promises he won't do it again and then a few weeks in he does it again.
I have two kids so its not easy to get out but your friend should get rid of him.
All you can do is be there for her.
If it makes any difference my boyfriend did this five years ago to me before we lived together. We had a very open and upfront talk and he said he felt I wasn't committed to the relationship.
After I slapped his face (really hard) he asked me for another chance. Now we live together and we are very happy.
I know my story is rare, but it can happen. Maybe your friend needs to find out from him why he did it before she makes a decision.
If Jen is soft and vulnerable she should walk away. If she is made of stronger stuff maybe they could work it out, but if this guy is the jerk you say he is he probably won't change.
Women do this too. It is not the preserve of the male of the species.
Women definitely do it- my ex girlfriend cheated with my ex best friend for three months behind my back.
She told me he excited her and I was too steady and worked too much
Of c ourse women do it too, but far more men cheat than women.
Typical to raise that as a defence- no-one should cheat if they are happy and commiited. So get real people.
I had an affair with another man trying to get over what my boyfriend did a bit like Debsylees choice number 3 and while it made me feel better (I know it shouldn't) he was destroyed by it.
He wouldn't agree but I think it saved our relationship in the long run because he knew how he had made me feel.
What's to discuss here? One cheats, the other should walk.
End of story.
Irrespective of gender, cheating once may be a one-off from which a relationship can recover (although unlikely).
Anything more than once, and the person will never change.
Anonymous lady in 1st comment - he is showing you a complete lack of respect, and it may be affecting your children as well as you. I think you should walk.
The three choices are brilliant; I would go for two. That way he gets a chance to put it right.
"No matter how well men clear away the evidence, what they don't realise is that they cannot clear away the stench of the fact that it happened, and that is what gives them away"
Amen to that- call it women's intuition but we always know. Men can be stupid like that.
How much respect does she have for herself?
Really, no woman (or man) should put up with this. Let him get on with it, hopefully some disease will get him in the end.
People cheat for all sorts of reasons. Most are not evil people. I don't think your friend should take this as a personal insult (although that's the way she will inevitably take it).
If she loves him and he loves her, they will work it out. As one of the first posters siad, sometimes men do this because they don't feel secure or they feel their partner isn't truly committed. It's an excuse for sure, but it does happen.
Only by them talking about this is going to get sorted.
To many unanswered questions here to make a sensible call on this.
As her friend naturally you want to protect her, but I would resist the urge to key his car LOL
Cheating is a power play. Both men and women use infidelity to achieve the upper hand in a relationship. Sometimes the motivation is to avoid getting hurt - kind of a pre-emptive strike if you will. Other times the motivation is sheer arrogance - they do it to prove to themselves that they are still in charge of their lives. Either way, it has nothing to do with weakness although that is the usual line of defense. Until your partner feels truly empowered, they will continue to seek behaviors which make them feel more powerful and less vulnerable.
Veronica Monet, ACS
www.sexwithoutshame.com
If he's lied about this already, then what makes you think he will tell the truth and come clean with her?
Anything he says now on the subject will be geared around keeping her sweet, so he will say it was a big mistake, it meant nothing, it was a one-off.
Dangerous trap to fall into- I think you should tell her to walk.
I hate these games. Why can't people just fall in love and treat each other well?
Most guys I've been out with were so screwed up in the head that you never knew how they were going to react next.
All Jen can do now is try and retain her dignity; then she may know what to do.
If you accept your partners cheating, then you are telling him or her that it is ok to treat you that way.
It seems there is a straight choice here- Jen has to decide if she wants to work through it with him, or if the hurt he has caused her (and maybe there will be more to come) is too much to bare.
Tough choice, especially if she loves him.
I gave my blessing to Debs when she said she wanted to post this on her blog.
What Debs has neglected to tell you all is that we ALL hate each other's boyfriends! No bloke is ever good enough for our circle ;-)
Onto "Ben", yes he has been an idiot and there have been other little signs over the past weeks that he has been up to no good (hiding his mobile phone from me, etc)
All I can say is that he is not the ogre most of you seem to think he is; he has a history of emotional abuse as a child (not an excuse, but maybe a reason) and he has told me he is very scared of getting close to someone and trusting them only for them to let him down. When he said he loved me he added that he had never felt so vulnerable in his whole life (that kind of took the shine off it for me)
As long as I love him I will stand by him. I say "as long as" because I am conscious that there is only so much of this type of behaviour anyone should have to put up with.
Thanks for all your comments and input, but he isn't that bad.
Now I see why Debs stopped talking about her bloke on here, you are all so brutal!
Well I'm sorry Jen, but you are kinda setting yourself up here for lots of heartache.
Is he really worth it? Only you can answer that one.
So which option did you go for Jen?
I don't know which option yet, but it won't be number one
He will only appreciate you once you've gone, darling. Take it from one who knows.
I cheated on my ex-girlfriend and to this day I don't know why I did it. I was in love with her, we had great sex and she was fantastic company.
I met someone through work and we had an affair for about 2 months- it was only sex really and when my girlfriend found out I was devastated.
All I do know is that I felt my life was out of my control; I knew she wanted to move in together and I just seemed to flip.
We split up a year ago and no-one I've met even comes close to her.
My advice to Ben is think what you really want mate, because once you've made your mind up it will probably be too late.
I wouldn't hang around on here looking for sympathy; sounds like your girlfriend had a close shave.
I mean, moving in together- what was she thinking of?
This is the whole problem with men and women from what I can see- you never get emotional matching. One is always ahead of the other.
Good luck to Jen and Ben (that's not really there names, is it?)
No it isn't our names!
My boyfriend cheated on me repeatedly and told me it was because I made him feel worthless and insecure.
It took me a long time to get my head together after it ended.
I hope you don't fall into the same trap.
Men can be very persuasive especially when they know you are emotionally committed.
If you ask me the girls in your circle sound like a nightmare; all slagging each other's blokes off.
No wonder he feels insecure- who wouldn't?
Do any relationships manage to survive the wrath of the coven?
I'm pleased you said it mate.
This lot of women sound like they would hang draw and quarter you before you'd even stuck your hand in your pocket to buy them a drink.
My advice is pack a suitcase, grab your bloke and get the hell out of there.
Yeah yeah...a nasty woman who wanted to have a relationship with me made me sleep with someone else.
Hang on, think i'm gonna hurl
When I cheated on my ex it was because I felt it was only a matter of time before she saw through me and found someone else.
Not because I thought she was "nasty". I thought she was too good for me.
She probably was, pal
Easy to be critical when you don't know the people involved.
Jen said he suffered emotional abuse as a child, how can you possibly know how that has affected him? I think she is to be applauded for sticking with him IF he has slept with someone else- we don't know that he has, do we?
My father regularly beat me up from the ages of 10 to 15 when I left home and it took me 20 years to find someone who will put up with all the sh*t that brings with it.
My husband had to put up with me being unfaithful 3 times before I finally realised he wasn't going to screw me over like my father did.
I think it's safe to assume he's been screwing around, but you make a good point.
Sounds like he should be leaning on a therapist rather than Jen though.
Oh sorry, she probably doesn't charge $150 an hour. Silly me.
My answer to this is that any man who puts champagne flutes in the dishwasher needs to be dispensed with, and quick smart.
They obviously were not crystal.
The guy has no class, no morals and the manners of a sewer rat.
She's gonna stay with him. You can put money on it.
Everyone on here has lots to say about what jen should and shouldn't do, but let me ask you all one question:
How do you know this guy is such a waster and doesn't deserve a chance with Jen?
She obviously is not stupid and can express herself very clearly, so don't you think she has any judgment what so ever?
Judgment flies out the window when the "L" word is around...
Love isn't blind, but it sure makes you that way.
Good luck to you both- if you survive the brawling on here you'll probably get thro most dramas
People have a choice to either keep their pants zipped or otherwise.
Blaming it on something that happened in his childhood is a cop-out. Sorry, but how come inexcusable behaviour is OK for some and not for others?
It's called cheating for a good reason, and unless this girl is happy to put up with what could be a lifetime of this type of behaviour she should get out now.
My husband has cheated on me all throughout our eighteen year marriage; he says he doesn't know why he does it. He even tried therapy.
If I so much as look at another man he goes crazy with me. He once threatened to burn my clothes because he thought I was sweet on his golfing buddy.
It doesn't bother me now. I'm at the point where I expect him to cheat, if he didn't I'd think something was wrong.
We also have five kids (before anyone says "dump him")
It's more than a little bizarre and a poor refelection on us a society that posts like this generate such a huge and empassioned response.
When I read back through this blog there are posts the authoress has left that are quite spectacular, particularly the ones about her father and her son (including her son's pre-school haircut, how brilliant!)
If her father has read the post concerning their relationship I have no doubt he would have been moved to tears. Simlarly in years to come if her son reads this he will know without a shadow of any doubt what a witty and clever woman his mother was, and how much she adored him (as a man that will mean more to him than anything, I can assure you)
And yet all I see here are people bickering over this poor Jens' feckless lover.
I have no idea why I even raised a finger to type this; I am all too aware of the type of society we now live in.
It just seems a pity that the real gems go unnoticed in favour of the unimportant sensationalised chip paper.
Can I point out that it is a thin line between knowing your partner is cheating and obsession?
I ignored little signs for a long time that my ex was screwing around, and when I did find out (I set him up with a honey trap) it took me years to get over it. I couldn't trust any man, all I saw over and over were signs I was being done over again (which I wasn't).
Debsylee is right- Jen has to confront him and sort this out now rather than hope it'll go away, because it won't.
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