Scrambling, Not Climbing....

Can I be the only woman of a certain age who goes out into the world, full of excitement at the possibilities lurking round every corner, only to feel an abject failure following my attempts to turn my life into something that looks vaguely normal, something that my parents will approve of?

Being the single mother of a four year old brings a level of responsibility, duty and scheduled phone calls from the father (sadly) to periodically shout at each other; it is the best and the hardest of jobs. Ben (said four year old) is a flawless diamond in an array of paste jewellery; his laughter and his incessant questions never cease, he is, unwittingly, my rock.

I remain steadfast in the knowledge that I will get back on top, it is merely taking longer than I anticipated and it is throwing me a few curved balls I'd not expected. It is showing me that there are two types of men- the ones who cannot fathom their own feelings, that unknowingly have deep-rooted issues that colour their everyday existence and that say everything is fine with such conviction that they too think it is true........and the ones who are gay.

So, in an attempt to get back on top I occasionally loose my footing and scramble to get there, rather than maintain an altogether more dignified pose as I ascend to the peak.

"Rambling, not scrambling" I can hear you mutter. And you'd be right. The reason for my malaise is lack of sleep, a list of unsatisfactory attempts at relationships and a lack of money (yes- the last one shows lack of depth and fibre.....but I am what I am and I like my pedicures and lip gloss ;-) ).

I am about to lay myself bare, to launch my history into cyberspace for judgement and to gratefully accept any morsels of advice or observation that will help me make sense of it all.

The unparalleled Carrie Bradshaw commented "“Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate"; maybe my mistakes are my paradox- excruciatingly painful and embarrassing, and yet comforting in that I was brave enough to pick myself up after making them.

People say "you only get one life". Seriously, how many would any sane person want?!