Help! I have a blockage.....again

A few months before I left the leafy pastures of Berkshire I had one almighty leak in my bathroom that resulted in a total refit. I can somehow hear some of you sniggering at that beautifully penned sentence, so let me clarify that by "I had one almighty leak" I am referring to a leakage of water behind my shower which resulted in much blackness and rotting to the walls and surrounding area.

On or around that time I discussed the aquatic horror with my friend Patricia who is knowledgeable and learned in all things psychic, and she shrugged her shoulders and said "I'm not too surprised..."

As someone who doesn't do upheaval too well, even on a good day, I asked her to elaborate.

"Water signifies the emotions. You have an emotional blockage and this is manifesting in the problem with your bathroom. Not only has there been a leak, but now you can't get the insurance claim sorted. You need to unblock your emotions"

All interesting stuff I pondered, as indeed I had been at loggerheads with Big Useless Insurance Company plc (or BUIC plc...) for around six months in pursuance of a claim settlement. I deduced that the emotional stalemate Patricia referred to was owing to the fact that I needed to move on, in every sense of the word. The south east for me had seen the birth of my son and the discovery of some amazing friends, but beyond that I was struggling to find anything going in its' favour.

I cannot remember the actual day that I decided to relocate to Lincolnshire, but it would have been early in November 2007. I should remember the date because on the very same day I had the idea to take my Nokia N95 mobile phone into the bathroom and make a short film with accompanying narrative, showing the decrepit conditions my young child and I had to endure and how if anyone was thinking of switching to BUIC plc, they should think again. Long and very hard.

One quick download on the internet and voila, it was on YouTube under the brilliant title, "Insured With BUIC plc? Thinking Of Making A Claim? Good Luck".

I thought a few key players at BUIC plc should enjoy the production that had been inspired by their gross inability to function as anything like an insurance company, so I sent them the link via e-mail.

As it generated over four hundred hits in twenty-four hours and started to generate less than complimentary comments about BUIC plc, they not only increased their settlement figure from £970 to £4,400 but they also posted me a cheque within three working days.

I can therefore offer double dose of advice here, firstly if you are in dispute with any large conglomerate and are heading to "Nowhere Central" fast, get yourself on YouTube. There is nothing more painful and incalculable to these types than bad publicity. Secondly, if you are emotionally blocked and your domestic plumbing proves it, sit and wait for the answer to come to you; it will if you give it time.

So, somewhere around a year later and we are now in residence in Lincolnshire, altogether happier and grateful for the fresher air, the quieter roads but not altogether enamoured with the horrific council tax....(I am the only person alive, to my knowledge, that managed to relocate from the second most expensive council to the numero uno council).

Like everyone I have the odd emotional blockage still, but these days my emotions are reasonably free-flowing and positive. So imagine my grand displeasure this morning when I discover my kitchen ceiling is leaking water from the overhead en suite...... I swiftly call my landlord to report the less than great news, and as we speak on the phone, I look out of the kitchen window to snowflakes the size of dinner plates cascading from the heavens. More water designed to cause me grief, this time of a frozen variety design to create maximum chaos for the imminent school run.

At this point I remember a winter some thirty years ago when the village I grew up in was cut off from civilisation thanks to a fairly monumental snowfall. I recall my mother opening the lounge curtains and the room remaining in total darkness because the snow had drifted up the side of the house. We walked into the village to buy milk from the back of a local dairy farmers' trailer, straight from the cow, not treated and we all survived......remarkable.

I think back to those halcyon days and realise they probably only amounted to maybe ninety-six hours or so, but we had the most fantastic adventure. Once the Louth bus made it's way through, however, the party was well and truly over.

Thankfully this mornings covering was all but a distant memory by twelve o'clock, by which time I had returned back to Patricia's theory of emotional blockages and problems with water in the home. In keeping with my tendency to analyse the pips out of every incident, it occurred to me that this was slightly different....

This was water leaking out of one room (en suite) into another (kitchen), and both rooms have water. There has to be one big emotional blockage going on somewhere chez nous....and I know exactly where it is.

Do you know how sometimes you miscommunicate with someone close to the point that it's like watching a very bad slapstick comedy? But instead of flinging custard pies into the faces of unsuspecting clowns, this time you manage to make everything you say sound crass, uncaring and definitely not what you intended? That was your writer yesterday, and it has caused one big emotional blockage.

So am I surprised that water was seeping through my kitchen ceiling this morning? Not at all. Not now.

I tried briefly to unblock it last night, to no avail.

So, I'm hoping that sitting tight will make it better. Failing that, a few bashes with a monkey wrench should do it.