Missed demeanours (and why faking it gets you into trouble)

How many of us, I wonder, work so hard at crafting our public face that we neglect to acknowledge and pay attention to the private one? In "Change Your Life in Seven Days" Paul McKenna talks about how you will never find true happiness until you identify your true self and start living as that person, and how most of us spend our time and energies on the public persona.

Mr McKenna is, of course, a former DJ and he goes on to talk about how that, as his public self, he earned good money, always had a model girlfriend by his side but was totally miserable. We all know of his huge shift in direction and the success he has enjoyed since then; he is now, he maintains, his true self. This I can certify as being absolutely true, as a few months ago I met one of his former Radio One colleagues, Richard Skinner, and he described how in private Mr M would discuss hypnotherapy and other associated psychological phenomena. His true self was desperate to get out and be heard.

So I got to wondering earlier what that really means; is it purely in a professional sense, or a personal one? We all go to work to earn money, but how many of us feel energised and stimulated by our work? Some of my slightly cynical peers would say it isn't possible for everyone to pursue exactly the type of work they are cut out for, but maybe it isn't an issue for some, perhaps most?

My darling cousin Adam told me a short while ago that people were either "asleep" or "awake", i.e. we either accepted our lots in life, did not question and went about our daily business, or we did not accept our status quo, we strived for change and improvement and often we would go out on a limb to achieve it. I hasten to add he informed me I was in the latter category.....

So in terms of work and careers, I guess it depends on whether we are asleep or awake. I, being awake, opted to chuck in a well-paid job in sales to pursue a creative dream that pays next to nothing but fulfills me more than any astute closing technique ever did, along with the ensuing rewards. I hung the rationale at the time on the "new baby" peg, which actually was quite justified, given the fourteen hours I spent away from home each day.

In terms of personal faces, I can very quickly see how I have allowed my public face to fool everyone into thinking I'm independent to the point of occasional disinterest, with my mantra being "why let the truth get in the way of a good gag?"

To be fair, I am independent (good job, all things considered...) but I'd rather not be. Of course, years of such behaviour make it a hard habit to break, and when you do achieve a breakthrough to the other side, it can be very unsteadying.

And I do make jokes far more than I should, but it is, as I am sure everyone has worked out by now, a big fat defence mechanism designed to distract and disguise.

Amazingly I am still able to pull off this public persona given the headaches and pressures of the last few years, but the act is now starting to wear a bit thin to say the least.

Almost without question the reason for me penning a post of this nature is because something has happened or someone has said something that has demonstrated in no uncertain terms that the real, private me is far more fragile than the public me. Today is no exception.

I'm sure there is always an explanation as to why certain days are worse than others in this regard, and I'm positive that in my case it's a combination of hormones, planetary alignment and money (or the lack thereof). Today is one of those days.

To recall the event would be pointless, but needless to say it has led my nose back to Paul McKenna's book, and caused me to take a look at my own version of Frankenstein's monster.

Many have told me over the years that my main fault is that I refuse to let anyone see my vulnerability, counsellors and psychics among them. They are completely right. The problem therein is the "foot on the hosepipe" scenario. Take said foot off and, together with the predictable tears, a post like this comes spewing out......

Is it possible to change the habit of an adult lifetime? Some would say no, but it certainly pays to understand why you don't always get the reaction or result that, deep down, your true self is hoping for.

Now I need to go hug the real me, and make a promise to myself to stop faking it in future ;-)